If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
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We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow