Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds