Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
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Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
New menu item
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on