Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
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This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power