I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
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Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.