i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
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Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.