“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
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If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
dictator is short for richard potato
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
*visits random websites just for the cookies*