Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
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“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before