Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
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Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
True freaking story!
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood