Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
You Might Also Like
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know