Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
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A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Challenge accepted.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping