How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
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hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.