Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
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I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Banking tips
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”