i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
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“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.