The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
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I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.