In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
You Might Also Like
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.