“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
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[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
You’ll be OK
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.