Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
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Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
pelicons
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.