“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
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“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
At least my masseuse has my back.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.