My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
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Well, this certainly took a turn
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Yup
TRAIN’S HERE
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I feel it
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?