What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
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I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road