His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
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“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.