I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
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It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.