I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
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I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.