Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
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*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.