I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
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Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together