My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
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my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
my fav colour is also hitler
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
jesus christ confetti not now
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.