“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
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Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
The “baby” on the left….
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.