What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
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I’m tired tomorrow.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
wishing you and yours all the best
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
yeah not falling for this one
Happy Friday
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…