Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
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“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
#SCOTUS one-star review
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.