You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
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“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well