Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
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Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?