I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
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[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
shampoo implies shampee
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Oh boy, $150,000!
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.