If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
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[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”