I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
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#inspiration #foodforthought
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Catercrombie & Fish
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked