Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
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me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.