Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
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First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro