I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
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“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
My Plans 2020
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”