[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
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Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…