[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
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Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
My inexpensive home security system…
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Seems kinda suspicious
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.