dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
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Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Blew my mind.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping