[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
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Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there