Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
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Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
i think we should see other cousins
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.