11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
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WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
This made me chuckle.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes