*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
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Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Ovenable?
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone