Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
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My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I wish this was real life…
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
When ur friends with white people
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.