I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
You Might Also Like
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
me after drinking all the wine:
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.