Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
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my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.