is nasa ok
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A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
pelicons
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.