Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
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Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he鈥檚 just eating those like Pac-Man
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I鈥檓 a mom.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He鈥檚 asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn鈥檛 found the bread yet.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don鈥檛 have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
yes, i鈥檓 outside playing, mom!!
Alternate reality. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
the gym I鈥檝e been going to isn鈥檛 helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly